“Use Your Words!” – Don’t say this. Here is why…
Don’t say, “Use your words.”
7-12-2020
Does saying this actually work? Not generally, and it might be problematic for several reasons.
We see a situation that needs support. A child screams and tries to take another child’s toy. (At least that was the picture we interpreted.) There is a fierce tug of war ensuing. Now both children are crying, and their worlds are on the verge of absolute collapse. What are we as adults to do? We know we need to help our children navigate the situation. But, if they would just use their words they could avoid this kind of situation right?
True, but, here is the problem. For children to “use words” that are effective, they must have had lots of practice using them with success across many different environments and situations. A lot of executive functioning and impulse control has to come into play for them to cognitively override their emotions, analyze the situation, and be able to pick effective words to use to diffuse the difficult situation. The average one, two, three, or four year old has not often had enough practice for effective words to formulate in the brain and for them to then articulate what needs to happen for a smooth problem solving session.
That is where we, the adult, come in. If we just say, “use your words,” unless the children have had practice, it is too vague and it leaves a lot to be interpreted. Our job is to coach. So we can say “use your words,” but the support cannot end there. We need to get on the child’s level, meet them where they are developmentally, label feelings, describe what we see, help problem solve, and help each child empathize with the other. We must help them develop their skills to problem solve so that they have those tools and are capable of “using their words” later.
An example conversation might look like this for the two children who were fighting over the toy. Let’s pretend we have a 3 yr old -Jack and a 4 yr old -Jill fighting over a bucket.
(Before we get started, I want to introduce OWLS- Observe-Wait-Listen-Speak. It is a very effective and common strategy used and recommended by parenting and childhood development experts. ***Link to read more about OWLS posted at end).
Scenario:
Adult: [OWLS] “Oh. I hear two kids that are upset. And I see two kids who want this bucket, and I also see Jill holding it high over her head. It looks like we have a problem we need to solve.That’s okay. We can do it. Let me hold the bucket while we use our brains to solve this problem together?”
(If Jill does not willingly give the toy to you, then you can try, “I need to hold the bucket while we solve the problem. I will keep it safe. Do you want me to put it in my hand, or do you want to put it in my hand?)
(Giving a choice like this empowers children to comply.)
Tip- Do not ask who had it first. Be intentional and try turning to the child who had it when you noticed the confrontation.
Tip- Do not ask yes/no questions. This invites possible unintended un-truths or desired wishes.
Adult: “Jill, why were you holding the bucket high over your head?” [OWLS] “Ah, I see.”
Now reiterate what Jill said. “You were afraid of Jack taking the bucket. I see. Okay.
Jack, why do you need the bucket?” [OWLS] “Ah, I understand. You need it to build your castle. Buckets are great for building castles, but it looks like Jill is not done using this bucket. Hmmm…, what can we do?” [OWLS] Perhaps additionally offer, “Hmmm, do we need something to soop? …” Invite Jill back in to help Jack solve his problem. Read Jack’s body language- how clued in is he? Is he understanding? Empower him as much as possible so he can get that confidence boost for solving the problem. We are setting him up for success.
Please do not just say “here is a cup.” That will steal the learning and problem solving opportunity.
Kids can be fantastic problem solvers when allowed/ provided the opportunity. The more we solve, the less they get to practice solving.
Next, help Jack ask Jill to please put the bucket in his hands when she is done with it. Then, help Jill reiterate to Jack that she will bring the bucket to his hands when she is done.
(Do not encourage kids to promise.)
Now circle back.
Adult: “Look at that. You two solved this problem. Nice work. Jill, I’m wondering, what can you do next time Jack needs the bucket?” [OWLS] If she needs coaching, offer, “Jack, I’m using it, but I will give this bucket to your hands when I am done.”
Adult: “That is a good idea. Jack, what can you say when you need a bucket and someone has it?” [OWLS] Coach him to say, “Jill, I need that bucket please. Will you give it to my hands when you are done?”
End with, “Okay. Now look at each other’s faces. See the smiles! I see two happy kids who solved a big problem together. Do you need my support anymore? No. Okay. Have fun playing.”
This is just a possible snippet of a problem-solving conversation. (It practically could have come right out of my preschool teaching days.)
This conversation could have gone any direction and more or less coaching could have been needed. My hope is to help you to get a feel as to why, most of the time, we cannot just say, “Use your words.” Most of the time we need to provide a little (or a lot) of extra support.
But with enough practice and coaching, very young children can work out big problems themselves. It is magnificent to witness!
I hope you found this example useful. Also, check out the piece about how the phrase “Use your words” is even more problematic for children who have a difficult time understanding or using language.
As always, if you feel comfortable, reach out to me with questions and comments! Do you use the phrase “Use your words?” How does it work for you and your children? What else do you say along with it? How did the example above make you feel?
I welcome these kinds of conversations!
Thank you for your time!
Your Connection Coach
~Meagan
P.S. Have a friend who would find this post helpful, please share it with them.
Also, make sure you have joined the Fb group where we talk about all things child development, behavior, and parenting (and of course cooking with our kids!). https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentchildcommunication/?ref=group_header
And here is a great article about the problematic tendencies with “Use your words” from the brilliant Heather Shumaker https://heathershumaker.com/2014/01/09/a-case-against-use-your-words/
Thank you!