“Then it hit me. This was my fault- not hers.”
I walked into the living room and my daughter was sitting on her dad’s lap with watery eyes and a tear trickling down her face. The two were deep in conversation and I could tell that she was being corrected for something.
I chose not to interfere in the moment to ask about what was going on (this is an agreement between hubby and I), and instead I waited till she left. I then asked my husband if he would share with me what happened. He revealed that he caught her drawing a picture in a book.
I think anytime our kiddos are corrected, even ever so gently, by someone else we can get a bit defensive, even when our parenting partner is 100% on the same page in all things “parenting” as us. We both experience this, as I imagine many of us do.
So I paused for a bit and reflected and questioned (exactly what I teach in my program). Why did this bother me so? What details did I need to know?
Then it hit me. This was my fault- not hers.
Why?
You see- my daughter and I often take notes in books. In fact, we have a little joke book that we read every morning in the school parking lot. We circle the words in the joke that we should probably pay attention to and I also write the corresponding homonym and homophone that often make silly jokes possible. And sometimes we even play tic-tac-toe in the margins as well. This marking of pages represents our connection-time every single morning. So you see, clearly, sometimes it is okay to mark in books.
So now I thought, 1- How to respectfully bring up the possibility that maybe not all of the information was gathered? 2- I wanted to remember and hold close that he was correcting her from best intentions. 3- What was the ultimate outcome needed? 4- How to use effective communication to keep everyone open and receptive?
Most every conflict is caused by a communication breakdown or assumption of some kind. It is hard, but important, work to recognize this and alter our language accordingly. The biggest tip to avert communication breakdowns is to use inquiry. Ex- “Instead of saying, “You know better than to write in books.” It is more productive to say, “Why are you writing in that book?” This invites curiosity – the contention averter.
As ALL conflicts do, they present opportunities for us ALL to learn something.
I could go in so many different directions with this story as it taught so many lessons.
But I’ll just name a few here:
1- My husband was reminded to start with inquiry when our child is doing something questionable.
2- I was reminded that pausing and reflecting when someone (in this case my hubby) was doing something I wasn’t sure about, was better than attacking.
3- I was reassured that starting the conversation gently and intentionally was in everyone’s best interest, because that is a sure way to keep it productive and open. It keeps us from feeling the need to get defensive and close off.
4- My husband was able to call our daughter back in and to revisit the conversation together.
He was able to model apologizing for rushing to conclusions. (After all, this is a skill we wish for our children to have. That skill really only happens if our kiddos to see us do it .)
5- We were both able to share with her again that she has every right to stop an adult if they are wrong, and respectfully say, “With all due respect, ….”
Part of our parenting job is to empower kiddos to step up- both when they are wrong and when they are right.
5a- Actually writing about it now, our family needs to reenact this same scenario in play and practice these skills. Playfulness is the perfect platform to learn skills and remember them.
Oh gosh! I could go on forever with describing all the lessons!
But I think I will save the other ones for another time.
I will leave you with this wisdom of what I constantly learn and teach- the productivity of the conversation with any other human being, big or small, depends on how we initiate and communicate.
That is all for now.
Cheers!
With elevated communication and connection,
~Meagan
P.S.
If you are interested in learning more about effective communication and how to use it to keep cooperation and connection strong with your kiddos (and your spouse;), reach out to me! I’d love to know how I can support you.
Here is the link for a Connection Breakthrough Call– this is a free 45 minute call designed for us to see if working together in my program -The Connecting in the Kitchen Method is a desired next step.
With elevated communication and connection,
~Meagan
P.S. – If you are not already a part of our community of parents dedicated to reflection over perfection, and you are interested in learning a bit more about communication, connection, child development, and cooking, – then I invite you to join us! https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentchildcommunication;