That was a tagline in a recent Facebook ad. It got my attention for sure. And as I was reading along- I began shaking. I was appalled at a visceral level. I was livid.
The seller was trying to sell books on emotional intelligence for kids. Great! But in order to get there, the seller first talked about how bad today’s kids are, how they don’t have respect anymore, how we’d never have gotten away with such horrible acts when we were kids, etc.
Then- it was the comments from the ad that made me sick.
The number of adults who raised their hands to literally comment and invite the child to their house so they could beat the child to “fix” the behavior astounded me. It was sick. I was appalled, -mostly because this could have been me not too long ago, as I come from a long line of yellers and hitters. But, reading the comments brought back so many flashbacks from my own childhood, and they made me remember that exact moment I vowed to never hit my kid again.
Anyways, my burning question is- How is beating or hitting a child considered less disrespectful or deplorable than the words the child said -or any words a child could possibly say for that matter???
An adult who can’t handle what a child says, becomes dysregulated, overcome by emotions and anger, red in the face, who lashes out physically, yells, hits, – how is that acceptable- or even desirable? Why is an adult temper tantrum okay, but a child temper tantrum so unforgivable that they should be beat?
It’s an interesting conversation for sure.
There are so many nuances that could go into dissecting this whole situation that it could lead to authoring a book- but for now, let’s just consider a few ways to better respond to such a behavior.
First, we must always look at the “why” behind a behavior. Every behavior presented to us, is for a reason, and it is our job to find out the “why” and then help our kid process through it to learn a skill.
So, “why” did the child say this? Imagine for a moment.. Consider… what does her body and brain functioning look like? What brought her to this place of such intense pain and frustration? **I also wonder, does the adult match her level of dysregulation?
First, I think we can agree, that no child just calmly walks up to their parent and says, “*F-you.” So, the environment around this comment had to have been intense. A parent’s job is to control the environment. When things start to get heated, it is the parent’s job to pull in some strategies to turn down the heat.
The adult, the one with a fully developed adult brain, should be noticing the temperature of the environment and turn it down a few degrees by model something like, “You know what, I’m feeling a bit revved up, and angry, and I fear losing control. So you know what, I need to take 10 minutes to calm down and think about how I feel and what I want to say. I’m going to walk around the block and gather my thoughts. I love you, I just need a time out for a moment, and then we can continue our conversation.”
This is what calm, conscientious, and connection and communication-based parenting looks like. Plus, modeling this behavior, is giving the child the exact words to use next time instead of “F-you.”
Next, If a child does randomly walk up and say “*F-you,” then it is still the adults responsibility to respond in a responsible, intentional, and rational manner. An adult must be able to handle their own emotions, before they ever begin to handle a child’s. It’s not easy work. But it’s the most important work we as parents can do.
If you are interested in learning more strategies to help you be more calm and patient and in learning strategies to help you guide your kiddos in effective ways, then feel free to book a free Connection Breakthrough Call with me. We will chat about your current parenting challenges and what your goals with your children are.
If you are ready to start laying the foundation of effective communication so that if and when the above scenario occurs, you have the tools to respond intentionally and rationally, then let me know.
I look forward to connecting with you.
With elevated communication and connection,
~Meagan
P.S. If you would like to be a part of our facebook parenting group, join our Connected Kids Thrive Community here!