Is the word “Please” possibly an adult lie? Maybe… Maybe not!
We all do it.
“Please pick your toys.” “Please put on your socks and shoes.” “Please take out the trash.” “Please make your bed.” “Please eat.” “Please do your homework.”
Please. Please. Please. Please.” Please.
And what is the typical outcome?
What do you notice about all these “Pleases”?
What does “please” really mean?
“Please” often implies a choice and that is problematic, because the way we may have positioned this wonderful word of respect- could be deceiving.
Often we feel so frustrated bc our kids don’t listen- even when we say “please.” Even when we say “please” in our kindest voice as a nice way to ask our kids to do something. But in reality – we are not asking. Asking implies a choice – when no choice truly exists.
So when we say, “Please [insert request here]” we get really mad when our kiddos choose not to comply aka not listen. The way we position “please”, implies that the child has a choice and so they ignore us.
So often, our intentions and expectations don’t match our words (until we yell), and that is very confusing for children. We are expecting children to “read between the lines”, which is a very complex social skill.
So- what other, possibly more effective communication can we use with our kids, instead, that can work?
How can we get our kids to listen in a way that feels respectful – to everyone?
One strategy- try the “When/then” statement.
(This is something I teach in my course, but I want to share its power here with you now so that you can reduce the not listening and overall frustrations with your kids.)
For example-
Instead of “Please pick up your toys.” Try, “When your toys are in their home, then you may color.”
Instead of, “Please wash the dishes.” Try, “When the dishes are washed, then you may watch your show.”
“Instead of “Please put on your shoes.” Try, “When your shoes are on your feet, then you may go outside.”
Etc.
The child still has a choice, but the child feels a little more powerful because the choice is framed in a concrete way and therefore the child is more empowered to make the right choice.
***Please Note- These statements are still said in a kind, gentle, even sing-songy way. So the gentle approach still exists. But the frame is different.
Here are some other important nuances around “please”:
#1- Some kids do realize that “please” is not an implied choice. Some kids absolutely know that when mom or dad say “please”, they better do the thing or else… But for most kids, especially the little ones “please” is very confusing and causes a lot of conflict, contention, yelling, and melting.
#2- “Please” is beautiful!
We absolutely do want to model “please”, because it is a high value word in our society. It shows manners, respect, and it is just considered to be polite. “Please is truly a wonderful word!
So definitely model by saying “please” as often as possible – **when the child is likely to comply.
Instead of, “Go get your teddy and we’ll snuggle on the couch.” Try, “Please go get your teddy and then we’ll snuggle on the couch.”
Instead of, “Bring me your cup and then I’ll give you some milk.” Try, “Please bring me your cup, then…..”
The reason is – we want our kiddos to be getting in the easy habit of complying with a “please”. This cooperation skill will carry over and help them eventually comply when “please” is used in a way that is not really meant as a choice.
#3- We must model any behavior we want to see our kids engage in or use. So we definitely want to be modeling the nicety word “please.”
There you have it!
I know this strategy may seem a bit renegade at first, but I hope once the initial shock is over, that it makes sense.
I encourage you to try the “when/then” strategy! Let me know how your kids respond!
If you’d like to discuss this strategy or any other strategy to get kiddos to listen, just reply!
Or book a free Connection Breakthrough Call here to discuss your current parenting journey and where you want you and your kids to be.
With elevated communication and connection,
~Meagan
P.S. This training goes hand-in-hand with our Facebook Live training chosen from the Tuesday Taffy Poll. Check it out here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentchildcommunication/member-requests
See you on the inside!