“Don’t You Dare Pick Her Up…”

I can’t remember now what the exact situation was, but my small daughter, who was around 1.5 yrs, was really upset. Like that screaming, not breathing quite right, upset. She kept going around the table to everyone, pleading to be picked up. But no one dared, not even me. You see, my old fashioned relative forbade anyone to pick my daughter up, for it would be spoiling a child to pick them up while crying.

Later that night, lying in bed with my daughter everything shifted for me. The emotions I felt at feeling so weak were so raw. I couldn’t believe I, a grown woman and mother, was under such a cloud of fear. I knew right then and there, that I didn’t want to parent that way. Parenting from fear and control was not the kind of parent/child relationship I had envisioned when I was growing my child in my womb.

My relative had such control and kept us all so afraid. That is not what I wanted. I didn’t want to be that kind of parent.

So I was determined not to be. I actively studied, learned, tweaked, and practiced different techniques on how to parent in ways that made me proud – of my daughter and of myself. The techniques of effective communication became our secret sauce. Through effective communication, we can consistently and confidently navigate most any situation with patience, respect, and understanding.  

There is a better way, and I have found it! 

This relative is still a loved member of the family, but I do not take her judgements to heart, nor do I fear her fearful approaches. And when she questions my methods, I can now calmly and confidently say, “That is how you parented, in your time, and I choose not to parent that way. I respect you, and now please respect me.”

The main lesson is that parenting has shifted and will always continue to shift- and it should! We know so much more about the brain, child development now and how vital felt-connection is, and we continue to discover new things.
We do not have to repeat old patterns and beliefs. We get to choose our own path of being better guides to our kids!  We don’t have to feel guilty about actively choosing something different. And we don’t have to be afraid of how our families will accept or not accept our preferred styles. 

Thank you for letting me share this story. It is sad in a way for sure, but sometimes we have to hit a brick wall very hard, before we are motivated to change. 

I would love to keep the conversation going, please share a vulnerable moment with me.
Reply to this, by sharing a “wall moment” that has you questioning old patterns and beliefs. I would love to support you if you need it.

With elevated communication and connection,
~Meagan

P.S.-  If you already not a part of our fb group full of parents dedicated to reflection over perfection, then I invite you to join us here https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentchildcommunication