Easier or Harder on Our Kids Depending on the Audience- and Why???
Tearing up Our Sledding Ramps
Last year, our family went on a wintry sledding excursion with a couple other families. My daughter was 6 and was the oldest of all the children in the group.
We were having a grand time for quite a long while. We all worked together to build a few twisty downhill sled paths equipped with ramps for launching our sleds. It was a wonderful day evidenced by the ongoing laughter and loads of hot chocolate consumed.
Well, as the evening started to present itself, some of the kiddos suddenly began tearing up one of the ramps that we all had built together. They were not doing this to be intentionally malicious, they were just being kids and weren’t thinking about social etiquette. However, it did cause some distress among the others who had helped build the sledding system and who were not yet ready for it to be destroyed. Some of the kiddos and adults asked the children engaged in the destruction to stop, but the deconstructing children did not wish to stop, so they continued.
As a specialist in facilitating effective communication between children and parents, I was just beginning to formulate an intentional modeling/teaching moment to help guide the children in understanding that they must not deconstruct alone this thing that all of us built together.
***Deconstruction is a developmental need in young children, but they sometimes need guidance on appropriateness- like where and when. My preschool children became quite adept at this social etiquette. The mantra we actively practiced became, “We don’t destroy alone the things we build together. We agree together to destroy and then we destroy together.”
But my formulating plan was interrupted by my very own daughter suddenly engaging as well in the deconstruction. I was flabbergasted. For she surely knew better. After all, she attended my very own preschool where we practiced this kind of social awareness skill often. And she was the oldest child of our group. She was supposed to be an example of all my professional parenting skills and over-all educated know-how, right!? What the heck was she doing?
I took her actions very personally. I was the pro here and she was my prodigy. She was my proof that guiding children doesn’t have to be done harshly or through coercion, but instead, it can be done in ways that are empowering for everyone.
However, instead of continuing with the guiding and coaching and explaining to the children that if their bodies needed to destroy something, then they could build a ramp or snowman together and destroy it together. I was even going to offer to help them with the construction.
But instead, I, even in a slightly harsher-than-necessary tone, said, “Evie, Don’t you dare. You know better.” She immediately stopped and walked away; the other children continued.
I blew the moment. The other parents were not impressed. So the deconstruction continued. I was not able to continue to show my example of getting on their level, asking open-ended questions that empowered them to honor everyone and come up with their own solution to meet their needs. This is what I do! This is my jam!
I have reflected on this moment a lot and even though there were a lot of failed opportunities, examining it has helped me intentionally increase my awareness. What I have observed is that, for myself, I sometimes tend to be harsher on my kiddo when there is an audience. I am naturally much more flexible and present when I have nothing to prove. It is so interesting and so good to be aware of. I have also learned that my kid is not really my prodigy. And my perceived pressures are certainly not hers. And, I most certainly could have continued to coach the kiddos through the situation. I even could have apologized to her. Gasp!
The good thing is that there will be plenty of opportunities to practice these skills!
Parenting is interesting!
So, in the spirit of elevating awareness, where do you parent from when there is an audience? Where there is an infraction, are you more patient and flexible or are you more stern and resolute?
There is no wrong answer! Just becoming aware is the key! From there, then we can decide how to respond.
With intentional connection,
~Meagan
P.S.- For more tips and tricks on communicating more effectively with Littles, please check out my new ebook -here http://connectedkidsthrive.com/store/
And of course- join the community of parents who are all curious and dedicated to learn more about intentional communication with Littles!
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